It's like hieroglyphics, except completely stupid

On the Bones thread, toomanysides wants us to know how she feels about the new season premiere:

34 days and counting guys... :D :) :\ :| :( ;( x| :P ;P >_<

I kind of want to hammer her arm really hard. But since assault is generally frowned upon, there's only one thing I can do: >:(

I'm sorry. I feel really dirty now.

You! Out of the gene pool!

This charming post was brought to my attention via the Troll Patrol, so if there's any justice the link may not be valid for very long. In The Next Food Network Star thread, caje shares her oh-so-witty thoughts on recent winner Aaron, who just so happens to be African-American:

I'm sure Stepin Fetchit Jr. will wear whatever Frog and Fog tell him to wear.

As for his clever recipe titles, he should add a few more:
Jive Jerk Chicken with Big Daddy's Special Jerk Sauce
Ebonics Escarole Salad
Ghetto Fabulous Collard Greens
My Baby's Mama's Mad Skills Mac n' Cheez

I...uh...I'm seriously at a loss for words here. I think the horridness of that post speaks for itself. If caje doesn't get her ass banned for being a disgusting, racist fuckwit I will...not be all that surprised, actually.

Everything I know about TMI, I learned from TWOP

Take a look at BakedPotato here, classing up the joint in the Denise Richards: It's Complicated forum:

Wow, the thought of Heather Locklear saying anything with the words, "...my pussy being sucked" with her big blue eyes makes my nuts steam!

1. If Heather Locklear's eyeballs can talk, that's pretty damn impressive.

2. Nobody cares about your nuts, be they steamed, fried or julienned.

3. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR NUTS, YOU CREEP.

The space bar, motherfucker, can you use it?!?

Most of the time I cull topics for this blog from individual posts, but sometimes I feel it necessary to highlight a forum member's entire body of work. It could be because they're overinvested weirdos or they indulge in TMI all the time or they're insufferable know-it-alls. And sometimes it'll be because they do one little thing that doesn't seem like that big of a deal when it's just a post here and there but becomes a peeve of epic proportions when they do it in every single post. For example, take a look at just one post from afroceltic here:

Okay,I was out all day yesterday,so I haven't seen this episode yet,however, this reminded me of Jon Lovitz,as Master Thespian, "It's called ACTING!"

One sentence, four instances of shunning the space bar. What did it ever do to afroceltic? Did the space bar run over her puppy? Rape her mom? Eat the last chocolate chip cookie? Its sins must be horrific because all of afroceltic's posts, or least all of the ones I've skimmed in the first few pages of her posting history, feature this egregious dislike of the hard-working space bar. This poster has racked up over 1,100 posts without anyone snapping and tattling on her grammar-abusing ass to the Forum Traffic Court. I admire their fortitude, truly.

So you think you can go nuts?

The So You Think You Can Dance forum has always been problematic. It's filled with posters who pine for the fjords previous seasons, posters who fangirl one particular dancer (usually male and geekily attractive) and spin wild conspiracy theories as to why that dancer isn't handily running away with the win, and posters who are self-proclaimed dance experts. I usually feel sorry for the mod who has to deal with that forum because it's a hotbed of overinvested lunacy.

This summer, TWOP Barnes is filling in for the regular SYTYCD mod, TWOP Dietrich, who was smart enough to ditch the job this time around. Barnes is usually a decent mod, if overly earnest and trying too hard to be the posters' BFF as well as disciplinarian, but after last week's results show, in which the forums went insane after the frontrunner Will was eliminated and the TWOP favorite Mark was saved, Barnes gave up sensible modding and decided to join in the insanity herself. She'd previously locked the Mark thread, which is understandable. She also locked the results show thread which, again, made sense.

And then she went right off the rails. She locked all of the threads in the dancers' section, then after some re-tooling made an announcement that all S1 discussion would go in the Nick thread, all S2 in the Benji thread, and all S3 discussion in the Sabra thread. And she also locked a bunch of the choreographers' and judges' threads, ostensibly based on who was permanent and who was just a guest, but the locked and unlocked threads showed no real rhyme or reason. She gave her rationale, such as it was, here.

So, with only two weeks left to go in the season, Barnes decided she just had to totally re-structure the forum, even if the regular mod might revert those changes when he returns, and most of the changes she made were in threads from previous seasons where there has been little activity and certainly none of the craziness and wankiness seen in some of the threads involving the current season. Perhaps I missed it and the Pasha or Heidi or Shane Sparks threads were rife with trolling but I'm reasonably sure she just ate a large plate of batshit sauteed in crazysauce.

To top all this off, Barnes apparently got some bad feedback over her decision. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are. So she created this poll to let the posters express how they feel about the changes. The voting options are a prime example why Barnes often hits my embarrassment squick when interacting with posters. They're the epitome of Trying Too Hard. You can practically see the "Love me? Please?" desperation oozing from her e-pores.

Will she listen to the poll votes and revert her changes? Will she ignore the dissension, keep the changes, and make poor Dietrich deal with it when he returns? Will she have a total break with reality and delete every single thread in the SYTYCD forum in a fit of pique while muttering "Why won't the lambs stop screaming?" over and over? Only time will tell.

But what does the Supreme Court think?

John Potts wants us to know how outraged he is by the shady voting practices in the Tubey Awards:

I do feel a bit like a Democrat after the 2000 Election - the voting seems a bit superfluous since there seemed no basis for how we got there. I hope next year we get to learn how the vote will be decided - it may encourage tactical voting (what's wrong with that?) but at least you can get the candidates you want. I don't mind being outvoted, but not getting the chance to be outvoted is a bit annoying.

You guys, the Tubey Awards are SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, okay?

Oh noez, the gays are taking over

Usually the most obnoxious thread in the Grey's Anatomy forum is the Katherine Heigl thread, where the Roswell hags still bitter that she's more popular than Shiri Appleby posters dissect her weight, fashion choices, knock-knees (seriously), famewhoreness, sense of entitlement, and generally seem to think she's the bitchiest bitch in all of Bitchville. Today, the KH thread gets a pass but the Spoiler Discussion thread brought me this gem from mcsteamygirl, who should feel a deep sense of shame every time she sees her own username:

I know Rescue Me has a gay relationship on it, Will & Grace had many, ER, Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewife had a gay couple this season. Nip Tuck, Entourage, Mad Men all have gay characters. On House #19 is a lesbian. It almost seems like its the current fad rather than something original.

Now Grey's has their token "gay" couple too.

WE CAN'T STOP HERE, THIS IS GAY COUNTRY.

I feel so sorry for poor mcsteamygirl, who has had her favorite good heterosexual shows invaded by those pesky token "gays" wanting fair representation or something stupid like that. How dare they? They should totally go back to Queer Eye or Queer As Folk or some other show where their name is RIGHT THERE in the title. I mean, it's Grey's Anatomy and not Gay's Anatomy, am I right or am I right?

This'll put me off cake for a month

For Horrors of TWOP's inaugural post, I first considered going with a classic but then this charming little thing assaulted my eyes a couple of days ago and I knew it had to be the first horror spotlighted. From forum poster Mylittlelamb64 in the Big Brother US Live Feed Discussions thread:

(Throws ice cold water on face).....Oh God. As much as I loathe Steven, he had me moist like a slice of Duncan Hines cake with his hot talk of performing female oral sex.

Umph!

Where do I even begin? TMI has always been a problem on TWOP but once upon a time the mods at least tried to keep a lid on the most egregious oversharing. Alas, those days are long gone and now we're stuck with posts like this. Look Mylittlelamb64, nobody cares what's going on with your vadge and we certainly don't appreciate you ruining the good name of Duncan Hines. Nobody should ever compare their ladyparts to baked goods unless they're making a joke about bread and yeast infections and even then it should be a joke among close friends, not on a public forum with thousands of users. You're gross and embarrassing. Please purchase a vibrator posthaste so we don't have to read about your sexual frustration.

In conclusion: when you're showing less class and restraint than the skanky famewhores who go on Big Brother, you've reached a new low.